Lost in the Gloaming
by SleepingSeeker
Summary: A plot bunny born out of ch 2 in my Drabbles - No Antidote. Please read for clarification. Raphael's very slowly growing affection for KoKoa (Leo and Karai's surviving daughter) turns into something uneasy as she reaches young adulthood and crushes on her much older, aloof uncle. A blend of comic/2k3 universes. RATED M for Taboo subject matter and sexual situations, swearing.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** I know this topic is more than a bit Taboo, but I'm gonna explore it. If you are a bit too uncomfortable with this, please move along. I mean no offense. So, consider fair warning. Okay?

You really need to read, **No Antidote** found under my Drabbles - Ch 2 - to understand just who the hell KoKoa is and what happened to Leo. The boys are no longer boys, they are closing in on fifty years old, the traveling through the 'twilight' years so to speak. Thus the title. KoKoa is Leo and Karai's surviving daughter. This has no relation to the Tender Trap series and is its own little evil creation existing in conjunction to No Antidote. Rated M for a really good reason. You'll see you naughty sweethearts...now, let's get on with it! Shall we?

* * *

**Lost in the Gloaming**

* * *

The motorcycle rumbled to a halt and even before the engine completely halted, Raphael slammed the kick stand down and leapt off the seat. His left knee throbbed with the arthritis he'd developed from injuring it time and time again over the years. He limped through the alley, head swinging left and right as he looked for her. Her call had been urgent and ended before he could get much more out of her than a location.

"_KoKo_," he hissed.

"Hi, Raph," she said, emerging from the shadows in a smooth effortless way that would have made her deceased parents shine with pride. The easy way she addressed him by his full name was a sore point that she continued to ignore whenever she wanted. Only referring to him as 'uncle' in front of Don or April or Mikey.

He ripped his helmet off, felt the familiar shock of seeing his dead brother's eyes reflected before him in the young woman in such precise detail that still, after nearly fourteen years, it hurt to look upon. He spent her childhood staying away from her. As far away as possible. It hurt too much to look into those stormy blue eyes and see Leo there over and over again like a punishment. It was hard enough to come to terms with the fact that his brother had given up trying to live and had left him and his brothers behind with this painful reminder of his absence. What made things worse was that as she grew up she became something more than special because of who she was.

As she got older, he tried even harder to keep his distance. Everyone thought he disliked her, even hated her. He liked it that way. It was easier that way. Because he couldn't face the truth. There was something wrong with him.

He'd never admit it to his brothers or himself but there was another reason he didn't want to be around her. A shame that he did his best to keep buried. He was old enough to be her grandfather, not to mention she was his niece, whether or not Leo and he were related by blood or not, it was wrong. But still, as she grew from an annoying kid into a young woman, he found her extremely attractive. Hell, she was gorgeous. A perfect blend of human and mutant turtle characteristics. It didn't help anything that she had her mother's dangerous charm. And his exact eyes. Those beautiful fuckin' eyes.

With Donatello's urging and Mikey's determination to make a relationship work between them, Raphael had come to grudgingly accept there was no way around it. He did his best, but they continued to drown him, completely unaware that their good intentions were slowly tearing him to pieces.

He eventually stopped disappearing when she came to the lair where he and Mikey lived and started to accept the invitations that Don and April sent to him for family gatherings. Don and April had practically raised the girl. But since Master Splinter's death, when she turned seventeen, KoKo had started a rebellious phase that she didn't seem to realize put her and the rest of the family at higher and higher risk. She'd been sneaking out and getting herself into dangerous situations, causing April's hair to gray and Don to get deep circles around his eyes. Everyone turned to him to intercede, thinking and reasoning, that of them all he'd understand best what she was going through. He was shoved into her secret life, forced into a role he never wanted, but couldn't refuse.

_God damn them._

Despite his aloof demeanor towards her or perhaps because of it, she became ever enamored with him. She had an unfortunate habit of draping herself over his shoulders when he was trying to read. Of tracing her fingertips along the back of his shell. Torturing him without knowing what she was doing to him . . . at least he wanted to believe in her innocence in the matter. It was up to him to remain composed and keep things familial and proper.

He was her uncle. He was the keeper of her secrets. He was her rescuer. And she was his everlasting torment.

He clenched his jaw and opened his mouth to start a lecture that would have made his brother proud when the words died in his throat. KoKoa stumbled forward. He dropped his helmet and lurched forward to catch her. The old leather of his jacket and pants creaked with the motion. His knee screamed in protest from the swift movement. He caught the smell of hard liquor and blood. When he looked up he saw a man lying in a crumbled heap in the shadows.

"KoKo, what the fuck?"

She got her feet under her and scrambled to stand, but Raphael held her elbows firmly in his large hands. She raised her storm-colored eyes up to him and gazed at him from under a heavy fringe of black lashes. His heart tripped and he pushed away any errant thought that drifted around the edges of his mind. He gave himself a mental shake and her a physical one. Gently though, she was so petite that his fingers touched his thumbs around her upper arms. He would never hurt her. Not in any way.

"Okay, girlie. Spill."

She winced and grimaced. She folded closer to him, nuzzling her tiny, soft frame into his broad chest. She whined quietly into the front of his throat, her voice vibrating against his skin and breath tickling it in such a way that goose pimples rose up over his body. He shut his eyes. Trying to close himself off. Put the wall up between them, but failing miserably. It was wrong. Over the liquor and blood she smelled like summer rain.

"Can we just go home?"

Sometimes she seemed too old for her years and other times too young. Much, much too young. Raph kept his hands out, not touching her, not encouraging the physical contact, but doing nothing to stop it. She writhed, a slight curl of her chest, brushing her curves enough against him to make the shame knot in his gut and the desire rise and tightened in his loins.

_Dammit_.

He reminded himself whose daughter she was. That she was his niece. A mantra he'd had to adopt over time. A protective chant that lulled his lonely nights to sleep when thoughts drifted to uneasy, uncomfortable territory. He swallowed loudly. Then with gentle motion he pried her away from his warming, traitorous, body already missing and longing for the touch of her nubile form. He cleared his throat.

"First tell me about this guy."

"I will on the way home," she replied with a sly smile, eyes twinkling and he crumbled.

The feel of her arms clinging around his torso, fingers splayed across his chest, the front of her body pressed tight to his shell, inner thighs against his outer, felt like sweet damnation as they rode home. Even the cool night air against his bare face, did little to cool his rising temperature.

_She is Leonardo's daughter_, he reminded himself and clenched his jaw.

His stomach flipped and dropped when he found Michelangelo was not home. His mind and body immediately split down the middle. No. This wasn't happening. It was up to him to be the adult here. He marched through the turnstiles and stomped to the phone in the kitchen. KoKoa followed behind, slowly removing his helmet. She tossed it in the corner where a pile of his outerwear lay. Then pulled off her boots and tossed them next to it.

"What are you doing?" she called out.

"Calling Don."

She gasped. "What?"

Her eyes were wide as he pinched the phone between cheek and chin. She ran over to him. The silky material of her short skirt hugged her thighs and clung to her bouncing breasts in a way that made it impossible not to notice that she was bra-less. Raphael spun around and braced one hand against the bricks and swore under his breath. Why did April let her go out dressed like that? She stood on tip toe, hands clasped together in front of him. He turned his back to her.

"Uh, hey April. Don there? Yeah."

KoKoa scurried to the front of him and followed again as he spun to avoid looking at her, effectively wrapping himself around with the cord of the phone.

"Please, please, please, Uncle Raphie," she pleaded, using the hated nickname as well as his proper title.

He smirked. He was doing the right thing. He should be proud of himself. But something felt like disappointment in the pit of his stomach. She bounced again in front of him. He pressed his mouth into a thin line. He knew it was a bad idea. But a part of him wanted this, even though he'd never admit it to himself. He looked away as Don's voice came through on the phone. He scratched at his brow, leaning onto his elbow.

"Hey, Don. Uh, Just wanted to tell you, uhm, oh yeah, I hear him, tell Mikey I said hi, too. Yeah, uh, I just . . ." his eyes darted to KoKoa who was giving him the most pathetic look, he rubbed his forehead with the side of his finger and couldn't help but give her a wry smile. Fuck it. "I just wanted to tell you that KoKo's staying here tonight. That okay?"

There was a pause. A stretch of silence that said too much and Raph's face grew hot with each passing second. If Don had suspected something more than dislike or a reminder of their deceased brother kept Raph from being around KoKoa, it would have been because in the past year or so, he found himself flushed and flustered around her. Especially at times like when he'd come over to watch a movie with them. KoKoa would run over and snuggle up with him to watch it. Right in front of Donatello and April. Draping her legs over his thighs and wrapping her arms around his neck, pinning him in place like an insect under glass.

He couldn't move her away without making it painfully aware that he was flustered and aroused and yet, if he continued to sit there, it looked bad. Really bad from the way Don was looking at him; with a piercing, intense scrutiny. She was constantly putting him in these desperate situations. And something told him she enjoyed every minute of it. She was too much like her mother. Perhaps Donatello recognized the behavior as well. He'd finally let his anger guide him and in a huff he'd stand, knocking her clear on her ass to the floor and march out of the house.

He cleared his throat roughly. "That okay with you? I could send her home," he offered and from the corner of his eye he saw her shake her head miserably. His offer seemed to snap Donatello out of his thoughts. The reluctant permission was given. The words ground out and forced. And Raphael cursed himself and his brother for his silent accusations.

Maybe if the guy who always wanted to 'talk' about things actually came to him and was honest about what he suspected, maybe Raph would have someone to confess his confused feelings to. Maybe he could be saved from the deep shame and his very real fear that he was nothing more than a creep. Then again, he was never good at talking with any of his family. He was doomed. He slammed the phone down after a gruff goodbye. Then stood there, staring at the phone; wondering if this was a good idea after all.

Her fingers were suddenly on him, undoing the cord around him. Her soft arms brushing against him, the scent of summer rain, had him jerking away and ducking. Freed, he wheeled around and attacked the fridge, ducking his head inside. He emerged with a juice box for her and a beer for himself.

She caught the offending drink and glowered at him. "You do know I'm an adult."

"Hardly," he teased.

"I'm eighteen," she bragged and threw the juice box onto the table.

"Exactly. Just a kid."

She cocked her head to one side in a manner that was too reminiscent of her mother. A sharp look came into her eyes that looked too much like a challenge. He twisted the cap free from his beer and drank deeply, thinking that he needed another one before even finishing the one in his hand. He set down the bottle and started to take off his jacket when she was next to him helping. Once again, too close. Much too close.

"Givin' grandpa a hand?" he teased with a chuckle even as he sidled out of her reach, backing up and away from her like she was a coiled viper.

She made a disapproving sound with her mouth. He kept his eyes glued to the bottle as he threw the jacket onto the back of one chair. Then snatching up the beer, he moved into the living room. As he sat down he heard the fridge open and close and then she was there sitting in the worn love seat that her father used to sit in to read. Raph closed his eyes and rubbed them to remove the vision. When he opened them again KoKoa sat there, smiling triumphantly at him as she took a drink of beer.

"Hey, KoKo, what the fuck, you ain't old enough ta' drink," he tried. But he was never good at disciplining her, leaving that up to her pseudo parents and Mikey. He just tried his best to stay out of the way.

"It's just beer."

He rolled his eyes. He switched gears. "You wanna tell me about the guy we left in the alley?"

"Oh, him?" She wrinkled her nose. And it sent a strange feeling through him. He dropped his gaze to the bottle in his hands, studied the label with intense scrutiny. "He was a grabby asshole." His amber eyes snapped back to her. Face turned to the side, eyes narrowed.

"Come again?"

She motioned with one hand towards her small but rounded breasts with a clawing motion as she drank another long slow pull from the bottle. He felt the back of his neck heat uncomfortably. She kept her eyes glued on him as she actually squeezed her breast. His eyes widened. And he swore to god she knew what she was doing to him. And it was all wrong. In so many ways. She licked the mouth of the bottle and Raphael's mouth went dry as his mind blanked.

Then casually she clarified, "You know, hands all over the place. A grabby asshole."

The words sunk in and then the meaning struck home. Raphael's blood turned to ice then boiled. He jumped to his feet, gripping the bottle in one fist. KoKoa quailed back into the chair, blue eyes in circles.

_"What?!"_ he roared.

"Geez, relax."

"Relax? How the fuck do you . . . what were you doin' . . . how the hell did he get close enough to ya . . . KoKo, start explainin' _now_!" he hollered.

She shrugged. "It's no big deal. He was really cute and

I was curious."

The edges of his vision clouded red. If the guy wasn't dead he was gonna be in a minute.

* * *

**A/N: God help me. I'm having too much fun with this.**


	2. Trust Me

**A/N: **So, several readers suggested this could be set in the far future of my Tender Trap series, and I can definitely see that - but alas, it isn't meant to be - you will understand when I finally get the courage to start part 3. It's not forgotten, guys, I swear. But if you wish, you may think of this as an alternative future of Tender Trap - but it can exist within its own universe as well. And that's how I will be approaching it.

Please don't kill me. I have some high hopes for getting into some deep stuff with this story. We're gonna tip toe along some razor sharp lines, my dear readers. I only hope I do not disappoint. Just . . . Just come along and . . . trust me.

* * *

**Chapter 2 - Trust Me**

* * *

Donatello stared at the phone sitting in the charger. His fingers twitched. His heart pounded. The familiar annoying tick in his lower right eyelid started up again. April was convinced it was all the time he spent in front of the computer, but he knew the source of the irritant was stress. Stress revolving around his niece; his adopted daughter. It wasn't official but he and April had raised her, along with a lot of help from Mikey. So didn't that make her theirs? At least, he knew April thought of her as her daughter. Their daughter. What might have been if only she had whatever Karai possessed within her genes to accept the mutant DNA and bless Leonardo with a daughter? But that just wasn't good enough for Leo. Donatello huffed.

What he would've given to have had children with April. He once thought that if something happened to April he would give up; but after raising KoKoa, he wasn't sure that he wouldn't do everything in his power to survive, to make sure his children were cared for and loved and safe. Sometimes, he couldn't believe that Leo gave up like that. Was Karai's hold on him really that powerful? Apparently, even their daughter could not keep him here without his love. It was sad. But it also made Donatello irrationally angry. KoKoa deserved her father. She needed him. He ran a hand over his face.

She was growing into a wild young lady, a little too much like her birth mother. Leonardo would have known how to handle her. He had fallen in love with her mother, after all. He alone possessed the patience of dealing with her fiery nature as well as a full understanding of that mysterious woman. KoKoa needed the firm, but gentle nature that was Leonardo's core personality. Donatello too often waffled between strict domineering rules and leniency. He never seemed to quite know how to address certain issues. It didn't help that April turned a blind eye to much of the problems. She lived in a perpetual state of denial when it came to KoKoa's misbehavior and rule breaking.

KoKoa as a small child was charming and sweet. Disarming and beguiling. Now that she was a young woman, she was aggressive and defiant, independent and willful. She had a dangerous charm about her and a curiosity of human men that gave April gray hair and him more creases and worry lines around his eyes. But that didn't cause him the same depth of anxiety in him as much as her obvious interest in Raphael, her uncle. It made him nervous and uncomfortable, the way she hung on him, always stroking him and touching him. And the way he looked at her . . . Donatello reached out and gripped the cordless phone in his fist.

She was just a kid. Wild, sure. But too young to know what she was doing. And right now, she was at his brother's home. Alone. Donatello chewed the inside of his cheek. If he insisted to come get her, it would be an insult to Raphael. He would be upset and possibly hurt. The action would insinuate that he wasn't trusted. No. Don replaced the phone. It shouldn't be a problem. There was no reason to be worried. He could trust Raph to be responsible. In control of himself. He had to trust him. And yet.

The gnawing unease continued and he struggled with the indecision. Part of him wanted to call his brother right back and tell him he was coming to pick her up. Right now. No arguing. Another part strained against it; there was no reason for it. No legitimate reason to head out in the night to fetch her from her uncle's place. And yet. That wasn't quite true. He had seen Raphael's intense gaze on her in rare moments when unguarded. It was unnerving and caused many sleepless nights. He hadn't had the courage to bring it up directly with April. He was afraid of casting Raphael in an unfair light. Years of branding him the official 'black sheep' of the family in his mind made him hesitant to paint his brother's character in such broad, damning strokes. He hadn't done anything wrong, not really, in years and years.

After Leo left with Karai to Japan, he had disappeared for a while. There was a period of time that Don had feared he had been killed or worse . . . committed suicide. Raph was a complete mess after Leo had left. It was ridiculous. It was pathetic and Don had little sympathy to give to him while he was trying to forge his own life with April. Leo had a right to live his life in happiness. It was dangerous for the couple to remain in America. Karai had friends in Japan who could help them live in secrecy. It became even more important for them to hide and continue to move about when they learned of her impossible pregnancy. Raphael withdrew and eventually, for the most part, accepted that Leo had to protect his wife and child. He did not need to look after three over-grown brothers more than capable of caring for themselves.

Until he came back and allowed despair and a broken heart to severe all remaining ties between him and his brothers. Then Raphael disappeared again. And the familiar drag of dread pulled at Donatello, worried that Mikey was going to call him to report where he'd found Raph's body: wrists slashed, or worse, hung. In part, it was Mikey that continued to be the bridge between him and Raph. Keeping Raph sane by moving in with him, keeping Don informed of Raph working odd jobs and any other encouraging news that renewed Don's faith in Raph and his desire to live. If not for Mikey, Don would have lost contact with Raph. Of that, he was certain. Overall, he was happy that that didn't happen. And yet. Now, things were complicated. He sighed.

Behind him he could hear Mikey joking with April over the sound of the popcorn popping. He wondered if Mikey shared his shameful fears about their brother. Part of him desperately wanted to talk to him about it, but the last time he even hinted at the dark suspicions and fears he held about Raphael, Mikey had gotten defensive and angry. Not for the first time, he cursed himself for ever bringing Raph back into their lives, her life, and getting him so involved. He just had no idea what was coming over her and at the time it seemed like a perfect solution. Who understood angst and unsettling longing better than his younger brother? It would also be a way to get Raph back into the family that he seemed content to believe wanted nothing to do with him.

"Popcorn is all set, did you pop in the DVD?"

Donatello turned to April. Mikey collapsed into the couch behind her. A large bowl of buttered kernels on his lap.

"Uh, no. April. KoKoa is staying with Raph tonight. That okay with you?"

April blinked and hesitated. In that moment he knew she worried the same as he. And he wondered how much did April see? How much did she decide she did _not_? But he watched her expression shift into a blank state of denial and again the irrational anger rushed through him. A shallow smile filled her face, one that didn't quite meet her eyes and she shook her head.

He quickly said, "I could go pick her up. I mean, there's no reason I couldn't."

"What?" Mikey asked in disbelief. "C'mon, you're just trying to get out of seeing this with us!" He sat up and shot an imploring look to April. "April! Tell him! He lost the card game, we got to pick the movie! It's not fair."

April laughed but Donatello felt the situation slipping out of his control. He licked his lips.

"I'd only be gone a few minutes."

Mikey shook his head. April shrugged. "There's no need, Donnie, hon. Let her spend some quality time with Raph."

"Yeah, the old grump could use some bonding time with KoKo. Maybe she can soften him up a bit for us. At least, Raph can keep her out of trouble for a night while you relax and enjoy the movie me and April picked."

It was over. There was no way he could insist on going now. Not without incriminating his brother. And thus getting into a huge fight with both April and Mikey. His stomach curled but he sat down heavily as April fed the DVD into the player. She sat next to him and reached out to hold his hand. She gave it a little squeeze, shooting a sidelong glance in his direction. If there was concern in her eyes, it was quickly hidden.

"She'll be fine."

He dropped his eyes as the title of the movie, 'House of Flying Daggers', came up. Mikey and April had been on a foreign film kick of late and he would have much preferred an episode of Nova or even Downtown Abbey to this.

"One of the main characters' names is Leo, Donnie. Isn't that cool?"

Donnie's eyes snapped up, he glanced at Mikey who was genuinely excited about the fact. He sighed and nodded and the knots in his stomach tightened. If he believed in such things, he would have taken it as a sign. He wondered how things would have been different had Leo lived. It was one of the few moments in his life that Donatello felt nearly exactly the same as Raphael.

He felt abandoned.

* * * _Years ago. Too many to count. And yet, just like yesterday . . ._ * * *

Mikey was coloring in one of his picture books. Donatello watched him with a scowl. He hated seeing books ruined, pages torn or missing, scribbled on or defaced in other ways. It made his skin crawl. Master Splinter had told him not to do that. But Mikey always forgot things like rules. At least he wasn't as bad as Raph who remembered but never followed them.

He glanced up to the large pipes sticking out at odd angles above where he and Mikey sat. Mikey was sprawled on his stomach, humming and talking to himself as he colored in all the white spaces he could in patterns and intricately designed swirls; sometimes with more than one color tucked into his sweaty fist. Donatello had a thick book about trains on his lap. Some of the pages were rippled with water damage, but he could still make out the captions under the black and white photographs, which explained what types of engines were displayed and other pertinent information. Above him, Raphael climbed. Dust and russet colored flakes of metal rained down over them. Donnie brushed them from his pages only to find that the action made it smear across the paper. A long streak of dark orange blotted out some of the typeface. He gasped then looked up angrily.

"Darn it, Raphie! You're killin' my book!" His voice echoed and bounced around them. Raph ignored him, as he always did. He continued to climb. Higher and higher. Somewhere above, there was a large grate, the dying light of the outside world seeped from between the bars. As usual, Raph was getting as close to the upper world as he dared. The pipes shook and groaned, raining more rust down on them. Mikey continued coloring happily and oblivious to being coated in the dusting of metal. One chubby, but filthy, foot kicked back and forth.

Donnie huffed but sat up straighter as Leo came around the bend, sweating and looking nervous and jittery. He always did after his training with their father. He stopped abruptly in the alcove, looking from Mikey to Donnie. He wiped his snout with the heel of one hand and sniffled. If Donnie didn't know better, he would have thought that Leo had been crying. He squinted. Did . . . Did Leo have marks on his arms? Master Splinter was always strict, but he was hardest on Leonardo. Always. The others accepted the fact that it just came with the territory of being eldest. You had to get things right. You had to be perfect. But that was Leo's job.

"Hey you guys."

Even his voice seemed waver-y. Donatello decided that it wasn't important. Leo was usually upset after his long training sessions with their father. He never seemed to get anything right and stayed longer than any of them. It was his problem, anyway, as oldest. Besides, there were more pressing matters to worry about. Namely his book's defacement. Leo was just the person Don wanted to see. He held his book out to show the damning evidence of Raph's misbehavior.

Leo looked at it then raised his eyes to Donnie. "Oh, uh, a book about trains. That's nice."

Don shook his head hard. He pointed up. "Raph is up there and he's making a mess on us and doesn't even care that he's ruining my book."

"What?" Leo asked alarmed and then tipped his head back. He jerked and scrambled to the ladder bolted to the bricks in the wall. "Raph! Oh my gosh! Get down! Right now!" His voice cracked.

Leo was turning twelve in a week and suddenly every other word out of his mouth seemed to squeak and break. Don propped one hand on his cheek, watching the scene with interest. Leo was afraid of heights. They all knew that. And Raph was a trouble maker who didn't ever listen. Don was very interested to see what was going to happen. Mikey stopped coloring and sat up. He shoved Donatello's arm and pinched him.

"_Yeouch_! Mikey!"

"Go get Splinter!" Mikey shouted, an uncharacteristically angry look on his face.

Don rubbed his arm, scowling at his youngest brother. Sometimes Mikey was the most annoying eight year old on the planet.

"Why'd you do that, you imp!?"

"Raphie's gonna . . ."

But before he could finish his sentence there came an enormous groan. It came from all around them, startling the two into grasping at each other. The walls shook and dust, chips of mortar, and debris rained down on them in various sized chunks. Leo scrambled away from the ladder, both arms covering his head as he looked up; his shouting voice was completely muffled by the roaring, screeching of pipes pulling from walls and bricks crumbling around them. Leo jumped first to one side then another as broken pipes fell and bounced around him. Donnie and Mikey scuttled backwards just as a number of pipes crashed down where they had just been sitting. There was a high pitched yelp that rose above the chaos and Donnie knew it was Raph. He'd been hurt.

As the dust clouds rose and began to settle, Leo, ears ringing, continued to cry out for his brother. He wiped his eyes and blinked through the thick haze. He gasped and grabbed his head. Donnie lurched forward, but he and Mikey were trapped behind a criss-crossing pile of pipes. He ducked and just made out the shape of his brother dangling from a metal beam in the center of the ceiling. Too far from the grate to get to him from above, too high up to reach from below. Leo would have to climb up and cross the beam to get him. Before Don could even explain this, his brother was climbing, hand over hand, without hesitation up the ladder. He stopped to shove a clump of pipe and brick from his way and continued going up.

"I'm comin' Raph! I'm comin'! Hang on!"

"Leo! I c-can't! I'm gonna . . . I'm gonna . . . !"

"No! I'm coming! You won't fall. I promise!"

Donatello held his breath as Leo reached the beam and with a swing of his body he twisted and grabbed it, then scrambled around to the top and scurried to where Raph dangled. He pressed his body flat against the surface and reached down.

"Grab my arm, Raph!"

"N-No! I'm gonna fall!"

"I won't let you! Raph, I won't!"

Raph shook his head. "I can't!" he squeaked.

"Yes you can! Please! You gotta trust me!"

And Don watched, heart in his throat as in a rash moment of truth, Raph let go of the pipe to grip Leo's arm. For a second, Leo lurched to one side and crying out, grabbed harder with his other arm, wrapped around the pipe. He made a strangled sound as Raph kicked and swore until he scrambled up and over to Leo's shell, using his brother's arm as a rope. For a moment, they stayed like that, Raph hugging Leo's shell with his eyes closed and Leo panting from between gritted teeth. Then Raph came to his senses and clambered off his brother and made it to the ladder. He climbed down with wild eyes; Leo right behind him. When they reached the bottom, they ran over and dug out Mikey and Donnie from the hole they were trapped in made from the debris.

Mikey was looking at the devastation, while Donnie could just stand there and blink, shocked. Leo was trembling hard from head to toe. Raph turned and hugged him tightly. He let go and stepped back.

"Thanks Leo."

Leo nodded, but was a funny color. He twisted and was immediately sick.

"Gross!" Mikey called with a chuckle and Donnie shot him a glare.

Raphael bent and rubbed Leo's shell as he continued to empty his stomach. He was panting and wiping his bottom lip when he said, "I'm . . . sorry. Th-The heights . . . I'm . . . a little dizzy."

Raphael stared at him in wonder. He stayed crouched next to his oldest brother, rubbing his shell, eyes watching him, taking in how hard he was shaking and realizing how scary it must have been for him, yet he still came for him. He still saved him, despite his terror. Only then did he notice the bruising on his brother's arm and his stomach twisted.

"Leo . . ." he said, staring at the marks.

Leo covered his arm and stood up and away from Raph. He laughed nervously. Raph looked up at him as he turned and looked around.

"Uhm, is everyone okay?" They looked from one another back to Leo. Donnie dusted himself off and Raph stood up, he had a few scrapes but nothing too bad. They nodded to Leo, confirming they were alright. "Th-That's good. Uh, so, so . . . no one has to tell Splinter about this, okay?"

They stared at him in silence. Leo never lied to Splinter. He was always going on and on about honor and telling the truth.

"But . . . Leo, Raph was . . ." Don shot Raph a look and Raph returned the look with a mix of anger and hurt. "He ruined my book," Donnie pressed, still feeling the sting of having to bear the brunt of Raphael's misbehavior. Now, not only was his book destroyed, it was buried under all this mess. He'd never get it back. "He should get in trouble for trying to go up!" Donnie insisted, trying to make them see that it wasn't just about another possession that Raph had wrecked but something bigger. Leo only stood there blinking at him with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Donnie," Leo said in a quiet voice. He licked his bottom lip and went on slowly, "Master Splinter says I'm . . . responsible. If he finds out . . ."

"I won't tell," Mikey said, stepping between the brothers. He crossed his arms. "I won't tell." His bottom lip poked out in a defiant pout.

"I'm sorry, Don. I'll get 'cha another book about trains. Okay?" Raph said and Donnie couldn't help but feel outnumbered and angry. This was always happening it seemed. Raph did something bad and Leo covered for him. Raph did something stupid and Leo saved the day. It wasn't fair. He just wanted to read his book in peace.

"Okay?" Raph asked again and exchanged a nervous glance with Leo who was still trembling, holding one arm.

"Whatever," he spat and marched around them, stumbling over the bricks and metal, banging his foot and daring to curse under his breath, "_Dammit_."

"Donnie," Leo said, anxiously after him.

"Don't worry, Leo," he sneered over his shoulder. "I won't tell. Raph gets away with everything as usual!"

Mikey ran after Donnie, leaping easily over the larger chunks. "Hey, wait up!"

Leo and Raph stood for a moment, lingering. Leo's eyes were huge and he continued to shiver as if he were cold.

"I'm really sorry, Leo," Raph said in a low hoarse voice.

"It's okay, Raph. You didn't mean it. How could you know it was gonna collapse like that. J-Just be more careful, okay?"

"No, I . . . I know . . . but I mean, I'm sorry about . . ." but the thought was too big for him to articulate and he left it struggling to take shape in his young mind. Donatello wasn't wrong. He was always getting himself into these types of messes. And Leo was constantly there to help him and constantly was the one to bear the repercussions of his misdeeds.

Leo smiled and shook his head, brushing the moment away just like that. Raph felt relief wash over him. Relished the easy, soft smile of his big brother. Somehow, Leo had a way of making everything better just by smiling. His blue eyes twinkled merrily and Raph felt happy. The terror of what he'd just gone through evaporated. Together they headed back to the lair.

"You shoulda' seen the look on your face when we got down," Raph said and pushed Leo. Leo stumbled to one side, chuckling.

"Well, at least I wasn't squealing like a baby pig."

Their laughter and gentle jeers continued on. Donatello pushed forward, trying to ignore how Leo never seemed to take him seriously and always ended up on Raph's side, no matter how bad he was acting. No matter what kind of trouble he was causing. It wasn't fair.

Somehow, it seemed wrong that Leo and Raph were closer than he and Leo were. Raph should have hung around Mikey more, leaving the older and wiser two brothers to be friends. To have secrets and adventures. But it never seemed to work out that way. Leo listened to him when he talked about his interests, but it wasn't like how he listened to Raph go on and on about some stupid motorcycle he saw in a magazine. He helped him with some of the repairs around the lair, but his eyes remained flat and unfocused, very different from the sharp look of focus when he and Raph sparred or when exploring the dump together when they'd go out scavenging. He was always so excited to see what Raph discovered.

Mikey bounced around him, his constant irritating shadow, jabbering nonsense as usual. Donnie rolled his eyes, nursing his jealousy and hurt over the unfairness of his brothers' easy camaraderie and the unfairness of always coming up short where Raph and Leo were concerned. He just didn't get it.

He figured he never would.

* * *

**A/N: **Oh yeah, the 'theme' of this story has taken root in my mind: 'Can you love someone too much?'

I'll leave you to ponder to whom I am referring. Maybe all of them. Hopefully, it'll all be made clear as I go. eep!


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